Many people want to change to overcome bad habits, prejudice, and bias. To do this, you must accept who you are. Acknowledging who we are gives us the right mindset for positive change. Are you ready for this exercise?
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. — Carl R. Rogers
This observation by Carl Rogers is an important nugget of psychological wisdom. It’s the key to change. It pinpoints why it’s hard to make positive changes. The reason? We don’t accept and understand our current state. Once we can do this, growth and change are much easier.
Imagine trying to find your way to a destination when you don’t know where you are now. That is the crux of the curious paradox of change. Even if you have a map, you can’t get there. You must know where you are now to get to where you want to go. It’s perfectly okay to start with goals and plans in mind, but you must also accept your current situation.
Change is Easy When I Accept Myself
Self-acceptance is not the same as ego-edification. (1) Ego-edification is when you are under the control of your ego. When the ego is in control, you think and behave in ways with automatic, programmed reactions. When you accept yourself as you are, you see this programming, and so you can change it.
Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy. — Kurt Cobain
To do this, we must observe ourselves without judgment because judging is like putting on blinders. Everyone can do this. To take off the blinders requires forgiveness and courage. (2) The process of self-appraisal is made more difficult by the constant programming of the cultural narrative.
Most people are not aware of the programming of their ego by the culture. They are firmly integrated into the narrative, and they immerse themselves in this programming every day. How about you? Do you see it?
This programming is available through all media types and is heavily promoted by many trusted institutions. We’ll discuss how to see and correct this programming in a moment.
Embracing yourself just as you are is the key. It is the starting place on the map of change. So, it’s a paradoxical situation of viewing yourself but doing it without prejudice and bias. How is this possible?
The Curious Paradox Of Change
The environment and our bodies change every day. Yet, we don’t notice the small incremental changes that occur. We think things remain the same because it makes perception easier. We like the easy button.
Our ego perpetuates the illusion that we cannot and should not change. That way, the ego remains in control, and our awareness is constrained by its needs. But change is easy when we learn how to take back control of awareness and observe what’s going on. Want to learn how to enhance your self-awareness? Are you ready for a change?
Self-observation is a skill set that we can learn, and it begins by observing our thoughts without judgment. To do this, we must first distinguish between our thoughts and silence. We only reach stillness when we can cease our internal chatter, which we do through proper meditation. Then, we can observe the ego. When we disengage the ego, the real you can show up. When the real you is present, change is easy.
If you can learn to observe your thoughts, It gives the perspective to replace harmful thought scripts with positive ones. However, it isn’t as easy as it should be because the cultural narrative disguises its programming. It is hard to distinguish the positive from the negative. Our cultural folklore gives positive values to some things and negative values to others.
Organized religion is the primary source of the harmful programming of our world. When you accept a belief system, you also accept its biases, prejudices, and fears; here are some examples of these scripts:
— My religion makes me superior to everyone who doesn’t ascribe to it. Therefore, everyone else is my enemy. I can use force to protect the boundaries of my beliefs.
— My religion tells me my gender is superior, which allows me to treat others as property. It gives me the right to tell them what to do, and it gives me the right to determine what they do with their bodies.
The goal is to observe your thinking and behaviors without making value judgments. This doesn’t mean you want to keep them; it means you simply observe them and how they trigger your emotions. That’s why it can be challenging. Once you can see the programming, you can see how it triggers our instincts.
You may not want to change the programming because it has become familiar. This conflict can cause what psychology refers to as cognitive dissonance. Don’t give up. Learn to accept new facts and be a freethinker. You can do it!
When you observe your thoughts, harmful programming scripts will come to light. These are the things that trigger the fight, flight or freeze mechanism of the ego. By observing, you can intercede before you react. In this way, you learn to reject the negative scripts. You can even learn to replace them with positive thoughts.
Recognizing Harmful Thought Scripts
What exactly are harmful thought scripts? Harmful scripts contain bias and prejudice. Unhealthy thinking always ends up causing harm. So, as you are observing your beliefs and values, ask yourself about their intended and unintended consequences. Here are some examples of thoughts, beliefs and values that are harmful.
— You can be anything you want to be while encouraging, can set unrealistic expectations and lead to feelings of failure when goals aren’t met.
— Being proud of who you are isn’t unhealthy. However, individual pride can also promote strict gender roles, suggesting that men and women have specific, predefined roles in society. This can lead to gender inequality and limit opportunities for women.
— What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger downplays the lasting impact of trauma and the need for healing.
— Fear about other lifestyles is misused by some political leaders and religions to condemn homosexuality, leading to discrimination against LGBTQ+ individuals. This results in discrimination, social exclusion, mental health issues, and even violence.
— Believing that everything happens for a reason can invalidate people’s feelings and experiences, especially in the face of trauma or loss.
— Racial superiority is a false concept used for segregation. This has historically led to systemic racism and discrimination.
Seeing and understanding how our thoughts trigger these mechanisms allows us to observe and choose rather than act out of emotion. From this vantage point of reference, it is possible to change thinking and behavior. Change is easy when I accept myself, just as I am. It is the secret formula to move from Ego-edification to Ego-identification.
Ego-Edification Vs. Ego-Identification
Edification means to improve either intellectually or morally. Identification is the attachment to someone or something. When you identify with ego, you do things you regret. You say I wish I hadn’t done that.
Perhaps you overreact to situations. It feels like you aren’t in control, and that is the truth. Many people who live in this state say things like, that’s just me. I can’t change who I am. And, to some extent, this is true. They think they are their ego because most people have never learned to see the ego as a tool of consciousness; they allow the ego to control their lives. Don’t let this be you.
You keep your default settings of personality and instinct for life. However, you don’t need to be controlled by them. You can go beyond these settings and change the bandwidth of our awareness. It takes inner work to accept who we are. You can move beyond the curious paradox of ego-identification.
The first step is to identify how your ego is in control. It requires inner work that unmasks personality and instinct. You’ll also need self-awareness to observe thoughts and feelings.
The intellect is a powerful tool. If we use it to observe our thoughts and feelings, we can move from reacting to choosing our actions. We can then decide to direct thoughts and feelings. We can choose positive over negative. When we understand, we can choose; it gives us a whole new perspective on everything we observe. When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. The next step is now that I get who I am, I am ready to change.
We can use two tools to help us gain perspective on the ego mechanisms. The first is the Enneagram Personality Profile. The second tool is Comparative Analysis.
The Enneagram Personality Profile
The Enneagram is one of the primary tools we use in our blended learning process. We use it so that participants can begin to understand the difference between ego and Observer. You aren’t your Ego. It’s just a necessary default tool that connects our body to consciousness. So, you don’t get rid of your ego. Rather, you learn to move from the place of fixation to observation. When I accept myself as the Observer instead of allowing my ego to control, I have the freedom to change. Change is easy when we muster the courage to move beyond ego.
Identifying the critical components of personality and instincts is key to understanding ego. The Enneagram is the tool that gives us a map of the psyche. It uses questionnaires to plot the default settings of our ego. It is verifiable, and many healthcare professionals use it with clients.
Comparative Analysis
It’s a scientifically structured approach to comparative religious study. It uses six steps of the scientific method to guide our research, which provides consistent and accurate results. Science is powerful.
Understanding our assumptions helps us stay on track and minimize our bias. Thus, this process helps us make an honest appraisal of our worldview.
Spiritual Technologies
These are the ancient tools anyone can use for exploration and self-development. We divide these tools into four major categories:
— Analytical Tools
— Meditation
— Awareness Tools and Techniques
— Natural Healing Modalities
It’s all about processes, like a recipe for baking a cake. If you follow the recipe and combine the ingredients in the right way, you get something delicious. That’s what positive change is all about.
When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
The desire to grow is natural for a person with a healthy mindset. We know that the way to make positive change is to observe our thoughts without making judgments. So, it’s important to observe and see the content and quality of our thoughts. The key to the change process is making an honest assessment of where you are now. Once you accept your current position, you can see the next steps you need to take to make the changes you want.
Learning about yourself means understanding your fears. It starts with facing our basic existential fear of death. Facing it is much better than using the counterfeit of the afterlife as an antidote. Instead of covering up our fear of death with mythology, we must ask ourselves questions about the meaning of our life and legacy.
Depending on your life situation and personality, you probably have other fears. The only way to make any lasting change is to face and conquer them. It takes courage and persistence. Are you ready to make some changes?
Remember this vital formula. When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
References
(1) Greater self-acceptance improves emotional well-being, Harvard Health Publishing
(2) Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: American Psychological Association.