Reaching Beyond Victim and Survivor — Learning to Thrive

Reaching Beyond Victim and Survivor — Learning to Thrive

A victim mindset is unhealthy for you and everyone in your circle of influence.  Going from victim to survivor is a big step. It takes a lot of inner work.   But it’s worth the effort.  However, the goal is not just surviving it is learning to thrive. 

Victim and Survivor Versus Thriver

Think of these three mindsets as points on a continuum.   The least healthy is the victim.  The most healthy is where we can thrive.  The survivor is the middle-ground.

When we are in the victim’s role, the Ego is in control.  Reaching beyond the victim mindset takes some serious inner work. But our inner work is not complete. More freedom and peace await if we can learn to thrive.  This means we are “present” more than we are on autopilot.  When we thrive, we are content with our situation, no matter what it is.  The Ego has the least amount of control when we reach this point.

It is unfortunate, but many people live out their entire lives with a victim mindset. They never make to the mindset of a survivor.   Others make it to the role of a survivor when they learn healthy ways to deal with the underlying issues.  The real victors are those that can learn to thrive.  They are not just survivors but thrivers.

What is a Victim Mindset?

A victim mindset someone who uses unhealthy coping strategies to deal with underlying issues causing pain and fear.  These coping strategies of the Ego are unhealthy because they harm others while masking the underlying issues.  The fear and pain of unresolved issues leak out through these unhealthy coping mechanisms.  These strategies manifest as negative and harmful behaviors.  This has a negative effect on their lives and everyone in their circle of influence.  This differs from someone who suffers harm.   People can be victims of a crime or injustice without taking on a victim mindset.

Reaching beyond the roles of victim and survivor requires dealing with fear and pain that keep us locked into these roles.  If we can face and deal with the underlying issues, then we can move from victim to survivor. This is a big transition.

What is a Survivor Mindset?

The survivor mindset is the frame of reference when is someone is learning to overcome unhealthy coping mechanisms.  It takes some people years to reach this point.  There is still work to be done.  It is easy to slip back into these bad habitual coping strategies when we are under stress.  Both victim and survivor mindsets are stepping stones to the ultimate state of presence and freedom of thought.   We don’t just want to survive; We want to thrive.

Going from Victim to Survivor

Going from Victim to Survivor

The mindset of the victim or survivor results from adopting strategies to deal with some kind of unresolved issue or trauma.  The Ego adopts coping strategies to remain in control.  Most times, we do not choose these strategies on a conscious level.  It’s the mechanism of the Ego that grasps something handy it can use.

The first step is finding out if you use one or more of these strategies.  Then we need to do the necessary inner work to deal with issues.  This is the only way to go from victim to survivor.  The goal is reaching beyond the fears that hold us back and learning to thrive. It takes courage, but the goal is worth the effort. Not only for you but everyone in your sphere of life.  This path is one involving all levels of your mind, body, and spirit.  Going from victim to survivor is only possible if you can do the inner work.

Victim mentality topologies are hard to see when you are looking from the inside out.  Others can see them more readily because our Ego does a good job of hiding them and justifying our actions.  The term for being under the influence of the unhealthy aspect is fixation.

The Enneagram of Personality system has an accurate way of identifying this situation.  There isn’t a correlation between our main personality triad and a particular victim strategy or mindset.  There are three main schools of thought regarding how someone fixates into a particular victim mindset.

A. The Fixation Relates to their main personality type.

If this is the case, then it means they are at the lowest level of mental health. And, therefore they identify with the typology of their main personality type because it is the most comfortable or familiar.

B. The Fixation Occurs at the point of disintegration.

If this case applies, then the Riso/Hudson interpretation would apply.  Below is a graph showing directions of disintegration.  So, for example, if your main personality type is an Achiever at point 3, you would disintegrate at point 9.  See the diagram below.  If your main personality type is 7, then you disintegrate at point 1.

Enneagram-Symbol-direction of disintegration

C. The Ego Selects One or More Strategies by Random.

In this case, the Ego picks one or more strategies without regard for personality type.  It could relate to the specific type of trauma. Sometimes, it is a strategy they know because of family or social exposure.  They observe it and so the Ego adopts it as its own way to cope. This is the case more than 50% of the time.

Because of the above situation, we can’t use personality type alone to identify the source of fixation.  It may not be in your primary personality triad at all.  In fact, our research over the 30 years shows the strategies for victim mentality are more likely a random choice.

Regardless of the reasons for adopting the strategy, the antidote is through identifying the victim typology and facing the fear or trauma causing it.  This means you can find the victim typology below and use it as a starting point going from victim to survivor.

So, the best way to approach this is to review the typologies below.  See if a strategy resonates or seems familiar.  Then look at your Enneagram Personality Profile to see if it lines up with either your main personality type or the type in the direction of disintegration.  To do this you must know your Enneagram type.

Chances are the unhealthy coping strategies you are using are things you’ve picked by observing others use them.  Your family history is the most likely source for learning about these mechanisms.  However, you can pick them up from any social interaction. Even if the strategy doesn’t line up with your personality type, you use it because it is familiar.

If someone has a lengthy history in the victim role, then they become masters at many of these tactics.   This makes identifying the main strategy more difficult. It is most often the one they began using first.

Nine Unhealthy Coping Strategies

Below are the nine main unhealthy coping mechanisms of the victim. These are the basic typologies.  These types exist in several variations.  Here’s how to use this list.  First, scan them all.  Then go back over the titles and see which one seems all too familiar.  Use your spiritual journal to talk about it.  Ask yourself how you use it.  Find examples of when you have used it.  Then, list the consequences.

It’s important to remember these typologies may or may not correspond with your dominant personality type or the type at the point of disintegration.  Although this is possible, it is not always the case.  That being said, don’t use these victim typologies to identify our main personality type.

unhealthy coping strategies, unhealthy coping mechanisms

Read through them with an open mind.  See if one or more are familiar.  If more than one is all too familiar, try to find the one you use the most.  If you have a long history using a victim mindset, you’ll likely use more than one strategy.

It’s important that you know your Enneagram Personality Profile type and instinctual stack.  If you don’t know what this is, review our reference section for the source of these questionnaires.

Then, find the Enneagram personality type that corresponds with your victim typology.  Compare this to your Enneagram profile.  Is this your main type or the type at the point of disintegration?  If so, you a probable starting point for your inner work. These unhealthy coping mechanisms can overlap or used together with others.  And, so you may find your variation on these themes.

1. Decision Paralysis

You give in or refuse to contribute to making the big decisions.  If the major decision is wrong, you didn’t make it.  If it was correct, you didn’t get to let your opinion be a part of the winning formula.  It’s giving up control to be the victim.

So, if you are a type 8 challenger, this would be the least likely thing for you to do.  You are normally decisive.  So, by not deciding, it turns you into the victim.  If you are a type 2 helper, then if this typology resonates, this is your direction of disintegration at type 8.  This is when you take control and become domineering, even hostile.

The antidote, if it relates to your personality type 8 is realizing you can allow others to decide.  It isn’t all or nothing.  You don’t have to decide or refuse.  There is a middle ground.  For instance, if you are a 2 then this translates to needy self-seeking behavior.

2. Excuse Maker

You are the master of excuses.  You have such a deep and diverse catalog that people believe you.  You believe it too.  You are a master of circular logic.  So, you can find a reason not to try, or fail and then reason it away.

So, it also has a lot to do with denial.  Your excuses help you deny your true desires.  As long as you can keep spinning the excuses, it works.  But, eventually, you realize it makes you the victim.  It robs you of your personal power.  This unhealthy coping mechanism is a favorite of all personalities but especially type 1.

3. Self-Doubt and Self-Pitty

You seem like you are half-asleep.  You purposely run yourself down emotionally and physically.  This way, others need to feel sorry for you.  If you aren’t having a major crisis of some sort, you’ll relive the ones from your past.

It’s more than a lack of self-confidence.  You break things to make sure they don’t work.  You break everything from machines to relationships.  Self-doubt becomes self-destruction.  The worst part is you find a sense of fulfillment in being inept.

If self-doubt isn’t painful enough you resort to self-destructive behaviors.  This is the crown achievement of the victim mentality.

4. Blamer

This one can manifest as a focus inward on yourself or outward at others. Almost everyone with the victim mentality uses this one to some extent. Blaming others is one of the classic unhealthy coping mechanisms.  So, it is easy to pick up because it is so prevalent in our popular culture.  Politicians use it so blatantly we don’t recognize it.

These tactics can be overt or subtle.  For example, a subtle outward way to blame is allowing others to make major decisions.  This way, if things don’t work out you can blame them.  You find enjoyment in placing blame.  This makes them responsible.

An overt external example would be for those with extremist religious beliefs.  This gives the chosen ones special privileges to blame.  Now you can blame in the name of your imaginary friend.  Now your enjoyment is righteous.   You blame people for being poor or born of any other ethnic group but yours.

Another more overt aspect of the inward focus is punishing yourself.  You find creative ways to blame yourself for things you can’t control like the weather.  All the better if you make a mistake.  But some people find fault by looking in the mirror.  They don’t like what they see based on some unattainable cultural standards.  Then they engage in self-harming behavior to punish themselves.

5. Energy Vampire

You emotionally drain yourself.  Then you become so needy that you find ways to suck the emotional energy out of others.  The Ego dominates your thoughts and behaviors.  It doesn’t matter which personality type you are, your the inner critic turns up the volume on negative self-talk. You feel that are entitled to anything that you want because you want it.

All you can see and hear is negativity. So, you seek positive people to bring them down to your level.   No one knows where the energy goes that you siphon off because it does not satisfy you.

The victim purposely lives in the past. The pick the events where they were a victim, then pull that negative energy with them into the present.

7. Resentment Deluxe

If someone else has something else, you resent them even if you don’t want what they have.  Read that again.  You resent people who have or achieve things you don’t want.  But if they have something you want, you resent them all the more.  This negativity is palpable. Many victims use this to support their attitudes of resentment.

They will drive through neighborhoods looking and houses and cars.  All the while feeling resentment and scorn for everything they see.  The Ego enjoys it. If you are an Enneagram type 7, this can be destructive.  That’s because type sevens live for variety.  So, they find more things to resent.

8. Worry Addict

Your outlook is beyond pessimistic; it only has room for the worst-case scenarios. Because of this, you empathize with every disaster.  What’s worse, you look for crises and disasters.  You expect bad things to happen, worrying about things dominates your time.  So, you become a victim of even things that haven’t happened.

This unhealthy coping mechanism leads to the use of other unhealthy strategies.  Worrying becomes addictive to the mind.   It triggers the fight, flight, or freeze reaction.  This leads to poor decision making.

9. Self-Destructive

Many physical and emotional triggers push people to self-destructive behavior.  Pain of any kind pushes people to seek a way out.  Drinking and drugs provide a temporary oasis from pain.  But cause other health problems that start a vicious cycle.  You seek relief but don’t or can’t face what is causing it.  When you don’t feel good about yourself you engage in behavior to punish yourself.  Sometimes this is conscious and deliberate, other times it is subconscious sabotage.  This triggers physical and mental addictions, dangerous or risky behavior, affairs, or other self-defeating behaviors.

You end up destroying yourself and ruining your life by running away from the pain that started the cycle.  You must face the pain.  It may never go away, but you can keep it from holding you in a victim mindset.

Holding Onto the Victim Mindset

Holding Onto the Victim Mindset

Many people in Western developed countries identify with the role of a victim.  When asked the majority acknowledge being taken advantage of, lied to, abused, or betrayed.  This becomes one of the main aspects of their identity.

We hold onto these roles because they are comfortable.  The dominant cultural narrative reinforces it as a way of controlling our thoughts and values.  Religions control half of the population.  So, they have a critical mass effect on our modern societies.

The main cultural narrative fosters competition above compassion.  It promotes a caste system of race, ethnicity, social and economic status.  It is easy to become a victim in a society like this.  Rather than a bastion of equality and health, it is a culture that allows corporations the greater privileges than people.

There are also people in the world who are even more unfortunate.  They are refugees of war, climate change, and economic despair.   People in this group are seeking refuge and struggling for their very lives.  So, you’d think they would be the ones who be the most likely to have a victim mentality, but they don’t.  They are often more grateful just to be alive. They don’t see themselves as victims.  Rather,  they see themselves as survivors.  We hear stories of the survivors of World War II concentration camps.  Those who lived were those who took on the role of the survivor, and later they learned to thrive.

So, circumstances aren’t necessarily the determining factor for people to fixate on the victim role.  The main reason is your Ego. It wants to maintain control.  So, it takes any opportunity to move along the path of disintegration to its unhealthy type.  This puts the Ego firmly in control.  It doesn’t care how unhappy you are or what pain you experience.  It will do anything to maintain control.  When this happens, it manifests in one of the above victim typologies.

Reaching Beyond — Learning to Thrive

Reaching Beyond — Learning to Thrive

The misconception is those who thrive are those that have a lot of material things and resources.  This couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Most of the people who see themselves as thriving are not financially wealthy, they are content.  To thrive is to live with conscious intent.  To feel fulfilled and satisfied.

So, thriving it’s not about money or possessions but peace of mind.  Chances are will need to deal with the programming from the cultural narrative.   Learning to thrive is different for everyone.  But, one thing is common which freedom of thinking.  You might call them freethinkers, or healthy skeptics.

This raises several questions.  How does this fixation occur? What thinking or behaviors do we associate with them?

When we fixate, we become stuck in a particular mindset that affects our lives.  It shows up in our self-talk, values, and behaviors. Think of victim and survivor as points on the path to thriving.  Here’s a process we use to help people move from the victim mindset:

1) Identify the Coping Strategy of the Victim Mindset

Our first step on this journey is to identify the coping strategies.  Read the descriptions of the nine main unhealthy coping strategies and find those that you use.  If there is a favorite, this is likely your main strategy.

2) Find How this Strategy Fits with Our Personality

Then we learn how this corresponds to two main aspects of our personality using the Enneagram of Personality Profile.  This will more than likely be our dominant personality type and the personality type at the point of disintegration.

3) Deal with the Original Fear and Pain

This is the hard part.  But, using the Enneagram, we find the self-talk scripts that are hiding the pain point or points.  These are the issues we need to deal with.  This is where the true inner work begins.

Then you need to use the proper approach to dealing with the underlying pain and fear.  There isn’t a one-size-fits-all process to do this.  Many people need help in this process.

Any tool that helps you get below the superficial is helpful.  Another process we recommend for people on this journey is a comparative analysis.  This helps you see your cultural programming by seeing its reflection in other belief systems.  This is a non-threatening approach to examining your beliefs.

Identifying Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

The transition from victim to survivor is a major step.  It’s possible to slide back and forth from the survivor back to the victim mentality.  Be mindful of your self-talk and habitual behaviors.  The Enneagram of Personality profile can help you see how you leverage these coping mechanisms.

The movement along the path of disintegration happens for two reasons.  First, something threatens the control of the Ego.  Or, second, when we are under mental or physical stress. So, learning about default personality and its tendencies is a good way to find emotional equilibrium.

If you only identify with one of the above victim typologies, then you will have a good idea of your default personality type.  However, many victims identify with more than one.  So, although you initially disintegrate within your basic triad, your Ego will continue around the circle adopting tactics to ensure it maintains control of awareness.

Enneagram of Personality Directions of Disintegration

Enneagram-Symbol-direction of disintegration

To do this, you will need to know your Enneagram default personality type.  Then you can research to find out how your Ego is using unhealthy coping strategies to compensate. You can find a free online Enneagram Test, but the more accurate versions aren’t free.  The more accurate versions have between 140 and 150 questions to cross-reference the nine types.

Beyond Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Going from a victim to a survivor is a major step, but it’s not the goal. Learning to thrive no matter your life situation is possible.  First, you must identify where you are on the continuum of mindsets.  Then, identify any of the unhealthy coping strategies you use.  The last step is the hard part.  Now, you must face the fear and pain that is behind your mindset.   This takes some serious inner work.

No one has a perfect life.  Things happen which are out of our control.  Sometimes we compound this by making the wrong choices.  So, we can pick up unhealthy coping mechanisms to get by.  When we realize this isn’t working its time to start the path going from victim to survivor and eventually to a thriving.

If this article resonates, there are more on our blog. To find out more about our organization, see our page FAQ.

Interested in spiritual exploration?  Check out the blended learning process at the core of our teaching process. It reflects what Joseph Campbell called the Hero’s Journey.  Our learning options include both face-to-face and virtual learning sessions.  Please consider donating and supporting our mission. This helps others learn the knowledge for developing their path.


Joseph Campbell & Joseph Campbell’s book The Hero’s Journey, Wikipedia

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