Why is self-compassion so hard? It sounds similar to self-esteem, but they are very different. Nurturing compassion feeds the soul while cultivating esteem feeds the Ego. Let’s explore why they are so different and the effects of bolstering self-esteem.
Self-esteem is one of the core elements of Western culture. This focus is the difference between “me and we.” On the surface, this seems inconsequential. However, this focus ensures the Ego is in the driver’s seat. When you focus on bolstering Ego, it makes people easier to control.
The compassion is a shift in focus from me to “we.” But, it’s not just a matter of semantics. It starts with “self” but focuses on connecting us outward with others and the environment. So, these two philosophies and approaches have vastly different effects on the psyche. We’ll look at the goals, tactics, and elements, and focal points for both so you can see the differences.
How is Self-Compassion Better Than Self-Esteem?
The goal of self-esteem is to bolster self-confidence and self-value. On the surface, this would appear to be a noble and worthwhile goal. However, the strategies of self-esteem magnify the Ego and promote unhealthy behaviors and traits. They encourage self-promotion and self-identification to the exclusion of everything else.
When you bolster the Ego, you magnify your personality’s most unhealthy tendencies. It creates a slippery slope. It encourages people to degenerate downward into harmful levels of self-indulgence and self-gratification. It promotes the idea that self-worth is ONLY available if you are extraordinary—and these standards change depending upon social trends.
Self-esteem overemphasizes self-image based on the cultural narrative standard. It promotes the idea that we are only valuable to others and ourselves if we are exceptional, different, and better than others. We must strive to be “special” instead of authentic. However, we reflect this “ideal” in several unhealthy cultural obsessions.
Our culture is obsessed with the extraordinary. This obsession drives our interest in superheroes and anthropomorphic beings (1) like vampires, werewolves, etc. By the end of reviewing the facts, you should see how self-compassion is better than self-esteem.
The culture is obsessed with bolstering Ego and minimizing the virtues of the human spirit. It gratifies the extraordinary and devalues the average human being. Each culture creates acceptable and unacceptable standards. All this programming aims to make us consumers, and we buy everything from soap to ideologies. It is easy to see why self-compassion is so hard to cultivate in this unhealthy environment.
Self-Esteem Tactics and Goals
The emphasis on self-esteem begins early in life. The school and religious systems of Western culture reinforce the importance of self-esteem. That’s because confident students are easier to teach, and this is especially true for the tedious task of memorization.
In the Western educational system, the primary goal measuring the retention of data. They don’t teach students how to learn or think, to remember enough data to pass tests. Unfortunately, the emphasis on self-esteem produces people who are selfish and self-centered. Why is self-compassion so hard? It’s so hard because this indoctrination bolsters Ego while ignoring our higher intrinsic values.
The emphasis on self-importance produces students who believe they are superior to everyone else. It ignores the statistical fact the most people fall within 95% of the same average distribution. Students are easier to handle when they are both positive and confident. The long-term effects of this kind of Ego magnification don’t matter.
It’s important to remember that a healthy learning environment promotes inclusive learning of differing levels. We know people learn at different rates, but the educational system ignores this fact. Most public school systems cannot have students with varying learning abilities. So segregation by learning “ability” is routine to track students’ learning outcomes. In turn, this reinforces class distinctions.
Adjusting the teaching curriculum to account for this difference would be more challenging in a mixed learner classroom. So, the public system uses the lowest benchmarks that are easy to measure. So, everyone in the class must conform to the goals of the test, not learning.
Children learn quickly that fitting in is essential to success in this learning environment. Therefore, it is common for people who don’t fit in to fail. Take, for instance, people like Albert Einstein.
“It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry; for this delicate little plant, aside from stimulation, stands mainly in need of freedom. Without this, it goes to wrack and ruin without fail.” ― Albert Einstein
“If you had walked through the pleasant Tuscan countryside in the 1890s, you might have come upon a somewhat long-haired teenage high school dropout on the road to Pavia. His teachers in Germany had told him he would never amount to anything, that his questions destroyed classroom discipline, that he would be better off out of school.
So he left and wandered, delighting in the freedom of Northern Italy, where he could ruminate on matters remote from the subjects he had been force-fed in his highly disciplined Prussian schoolroom. His name was Albert Einstein, and his ruminations changed the world.” ― Carl Sagan, Cosmos (2)
The Elements of Self-Esteem
You’ll notice the following elements focus on “your value to the culture.” It makes you a “human doing” rather than a “human being.” Your value as a person is directly proportional to how you stack up in the cultural narrative hierarchy. The emphasis on cultural value alone should help you see how self-compassion is better than self-esteem. Let’s see how self-esteem promotes “pretending.”
The primary focus is the projection of a positive image while ignoring developmental needs. The emphasis on image creates a slippery slope toward entitlement-oriented and selfish behaviors, precisely why many psychologists say these tactics feed the Ego. These focal point elements are the opposite of the components of self-compassion. Read them and see if you identify with them.
- What you believe your value is as a person based on social standards
- The positive self-image you can project
- Your Employment earning power and return on investment for the corporation
- The value of your purpose in life to the culture
- Your social and economic status in the culture
- The potential of your success in the culture
- Your strengths and your weaknesses as seen by the culture
- The value of your achievements according to the culture
- Your independence and ability to be autonomous and self-supporting
The Long-Term Effects of Self-Esteem
If the above learning environment sounds unhealthy, it is. Thus begins the slippery slope toward narcissistic and anti-social tendencies. The culture reinforces these behaviors where performance and its pinnacle, “excellence,” is the goal. It’s a strategy that glorifies the workaholic lifestyle and overachiever. This method is addictive for the Ego. The magnification of the Ego is why is self-compassion so hard.
It affects some personality types more than others. For example, the compliant Enneagram types one, two, and six do well with structured memorization. Type three measures self-worth by achievement. It is easy for them to bend the rules to rise above others. And the corporate work culture thrives on this type of motivation. It produces short-term results but has long-term negative health consequences for the individual.
Social media reinforces the idea that only those outside the norms are worthy of attention—the extraordinary sells. Advertisers target the most susceptible groups. They focus on advertising to make each group feel special. It’s a strategy that ignores the reality of our natural skills and abilities. The individual becomes immersed in the cultural narrative. So, even this unhealthy state of mind becomes “normal” and comfortable.
“This crippling of individuals I consider the worst evil of capitalism. Our whole educational system suffers from this evil. An exaggerated competitive attitude is inoculated into the student who is trained to worship acquisitive success as a preparation for his future career.” ― Albert Einstein, Why Socialism? (3)
Self-Compassion Tactics and Goals
Compassion for yourself and others is the gateway to the “virtues of the spirit” as it promotes healthy self-perception while providing a foundation for mental and physical wellness. Being compassionate and empathetic are expressions of a healthy heart. Its nature is to grow and extend to others. As our heart expands, so does our conscience. So, our perception turns outward toward others instead of inward toward selfishness—what a difference from self-esteem.
The elements of self-compassion grow the individual. Nurturing positive things gives you the courage to share them with others. Some people refer to this as an awakening. As we awaken, our conscience grows. Our hearts will not allow us to ignore injustice, inequity, and prejudices. It is a beautiful thing when we experience the joy of authentic compassion. This process starts with the individual and shows us how self-Compassion is better than Self-Esteem.
It’s the idea you hear whenever you travel by airplane. The flight attendant tells you that a mask will drop from the ceiling if you need oxygen. We are to put ours on first before attempting to help others. If we are to help others, we must learn to nurture ourselves first.
The Elements of Self-Compassion
Genuine compassion for the self extends to caring for others. We learn to be good to ourselves and others. It’s the first step of inclusion. It makes us mindful of our effects on others and the environment.
If we learn to do this, then we think healthier thoughts. We open the door to the virtues of the spirit. Therefore, many people say tactics like these feed the soul.
“Gratitude, Joyfulness, Happiness, Love, Thankfulness, Blissfulness, Appreciation, Mindfulness, and Serenity; these are the virtues of the spirit. With these tools, we can conquer… not the world, but ourselves. And so then… the world does not need to be conquered.” — Guru Tua
Elements of Self-Compassion Focus Points
Compassion for yourself and others promotes positive behaviors and habits instead of the magnification of the Ego. Focusing on these simple tactics can change your whole outlook on life. They promote healthy thinking and behaviors that will provide immediate benefits. The benefits have a positive ripple effect. Our thoughts become actions, and positive actions make the world a better place. Here they are:
1. Learn to Schedule what’s important
Set reminders to monitor the time you go to bed and wake up. This practice can make you more rested and effective. And it is an essential aspect of self-care. Otherwise, we can fall into the unhealthy practice of running our batteries too low.
2. Personal Appearance and Wellbeing
Learn to be authentic, which means looking good on your terms, not what the cultural narrative expects. The difference here could be very drastic. What you feel makes you look “good” could differ from the projections of the culture based on religious bias and consumerism. It’s another element of self-compassion that runs contrary to the culture.
It is immediately apparent because you will stand out from the crowd. So it takes courage. When you feel you look good, then you feel better about life. A positive outlook is vital to your health and wellbeing. Find out who you are apart from the cultural narrative.
Spend time alone. Don’t wait until you feel resentful because you are always putting the needs of others first. So, it’s essential to schedule time for yourself to be alone. Solitude is necessary to normalize.
Be careful. Don’t get distracted. That means shutting off social media. It’s okay to read or listen to music as these activities engage your mind while allowing your intuition to function. That is so long as what you read and listen to doesn’t only reinforce the cultural narrative.
Also, be careful of social media, as it often contains both politics and religion. These subjects are divisive and lead to emotional turmoil. You want your alone time to be peaceful. Instead of reinforcing self-hypnosis and group hypnosis manipulation programming, you want to engage your intuition—it’s the preventative medicine for religious ideology.
4. Embrace Nature
Spend time outdoors. Learn the essential practices for moving and seated mindfulness meditation. Learn the Japanese technique for using the mindfulness waking technique called “Forest Bathing,” It’s the cornerstone of their health and wellness program. Dig deeper into other grounding techniques like the tree grounding process.
5. Foster Your Creativity
Find an outlet for your creativity. If you do the above practices, you’ll probably find yourself drawn to some creative outlet. You can coax this out by creating and using a spiritual journal. Here you’ll start writing ideas, goals, and thoughts. You’ll find that we each have access to our unique inner voice. We recommend using a paper-based journal because your handwriting has a way of encouraging your inner creative voice.
6. Enhance Your Critical Thinking Ability
Interestingly enough, one of the best ways to enhance our self-care is learning to think logically. Improving your critical thinking skills helps us determine fact from fiction. The culture discourages these skills because you are less susceptible to political and religious propaganda if you think for yourself. Enhancing your critical thinking protects you from the harmful effects of groupthink manipulation.
We don’t associate logical thinking with the elements of self-compassion; critical thinking affects our perception. And the clarity of thought and perception gives us direction for our actions.
Enneagram and Compassion For Self and Others
The Enneagram of Personality Profile enables us to learn about our personality; we can see how each of the nine personality types relates to the virtues of the spirit. We all have access to these nine virtues, regardless of our personality.
When the Ego is in control, it will pull us toward the negative aspects of our nature. These are to opposite values of the virtues.
1) The opposite of gratitude is ungratefulness. It feeds thanklessness leading to greed and gluttony.
2) The negative of joyfulness is dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and joylessness. It leads to inertia or slothfulness.
3) Happiness is lost, and we feel misery and sadness.
4) The opposite of love is hatred and envy (wrath).
5) Instead of thankfulness, we have a lack of appreciation.
6) The opposite of blissfulness, we have numbness, even calamity.
7) When we lose appreciation, we become prideful.
8) Selfishness replaces mindfulness
9) Serenity turns into anxiety and discomfort.
We see how self-compassion is often in opposition to the dominant culture. Our culture drives us to the Ego for several reasons. If we fixate on the negative, we are easier to control. They sell everything from ideas and ideologies to things we don’t need.
It is essential to learn to question the cultural narrative. We need to enhance our critical thinking skills and observe our internal dialogue. The Enneagram Personality Profile is a tool that helps us see our programming. We can then see unhealthy self-talk and behaviors.
Why is Self-Compassion so Hard — Ego Focus
This discussion should help you see how the elements of self-esteem differ from the elements of self-compassion. A compassionate heart promotes inclusive values. It presents an opposing force between selfishness pointing inward and selflessness pointing outward. As we cultivate this virtue, others will see the changes in our life. You’ll find more and more opportunities to share your positive energy and knowledge.
So, what’s holding you back. You can reverse the programming of the cultural narrative. Start with one of the focus points. You’ll add more when you see the results.
This discussion should make you question the cultural narrative. The tactics of self-esteem promote unhealthy narcissistic thinking. It affects the individual and the culture. In contrast, self-compassion is a gateway to the virtues of the spirit.
Although they sound similar, the short-term and long-term effects are very different. It is a behavioral modality that opens us to the virtues of the spirit. While on the other hand, self-esteem is the pathway to unhealthy tendencies of narcissistic behavior. Besides, you may find some relief through proper self-care practices.
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(1) anthropomorphic beings, Wikipedia
(2) Carl Sagan, Cosmos
(3) Albert Einstein, Why Socialism?
(4) Joseph Campbell & Joseph Campbell’s book The Hero’s Journey, Wikipedia
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